Whether we want to admit it or not, we're all cover tarts. Yes, even you. We see a pretty cover and it's all over. We must have it, regardless if the synopsis tells us it's about a daredevil midget in a bikini who murders grandmothers. Who cares, as long as the cover is pretty. But what happens when the cover isn't all that? So in fairness of the Pretty Covers of 2014, we need to take a look at the ones that... Umm... Aren't so pretty.
No covers were harmed in the making of this post. Only feelings.
No covers were harmed in the making of this post. Only feelings.
Bangin' Background Girlfriend
● One of my favourite series has among the ugliest covers in Australia. Ignite Me was brilliant, but either I'm not remembering correctly, but did she shoot galaxies out of the palms of her hands?
● The Bonding Ritual isn't too bad at first sight, but the excess in upside down candles is clearly a fire hazard with all that purple smog around.
● My winner by far is Tempest. It's not the lack of colouring in the sand, or that the model seems to be standing on asphalt in the middle of a mountainous desert. Hands up who thought the sand storm in the background was a thumb or someones nose?
All The Single Ladies
● A Christmas Coffee isn't all that bad. Apart from him standing in some sort of medieval laneway, in an apron and serving what appears to be salad.
● Hold onto your panties ladies, you could Blame it on the Mistletoe. Ooh, isn't he something. Well placed mistletoe trying to hide that those aren't even his hands. Anyone want to be felt up by lady fingers?
● Winner! What a Lady Demands. I know, that's all kinds of sexy. Nothing like a hot man in tighty whitey nanna undies.
Half Assed Superheroes
● H. E. R. O Anarchy. Where big breasted girls save the world without a hair out of place.
● Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's orgasmic superheroes cruising the sky at low altitudes in Wearing The Cape. I'll have what she's having.
● Hands down winner, The Choosing. Where else could you find both Friar Tuck and Xena Warrior Princess fighting crime.
Didn't Think That One Through
● Now this one, all wrong. It's a lovely night by the lake in The Art of the Heart, but clearly this boy is being bathed in sunlight.
● A tad bland, but clearly a wondrous discovery. Beach Christmas features the first Christmas tree to grow in salt water. Psst, author. Perhaps flip the tree so it's growing on the beach, and not out to sea.
Pretty Sure You're on Fire
Frey, Blaze and Deception. Pretty sure Katniss covered the market on this one. Although, I can't remember her having lit her boobs alight. Kudos.
Ye Olde Sexy Times
● There's nothing like a sexy bodice ripper, and The Sweetest Secret has clearly cornered the market. They just can't teach that come hither look. Saucy wench.
● Love Before Honor gets an honorable mention...
● But the clear winner is Haunting Secrets. Not only for the floating Samoyed in the background, but pretty sure your model might double as a porn star.
Celaena's Let Herself Go...
She's the kick ass chick from Throne of Glass, but since the series has ended, poor Celaena has really let herself go. Nice to see she's still getting work as a dragon slayer, male model and her pixie twin sister.
Just Awkward
● Sworn to Defiance. Worst. Hogwarts. Photobomb. Ever.
● Good lord! If that's dancing, then clearly I'm doing it wrong. And Then You Dance, in mid air. Like a complete and utter jerk.
● Aww, look. Tiny babies! I'm no professional, but even I can see the scale of this seasonal image is all wrong. And god I hope that's snow and not lambskin, or you've got a fire hazard on your hands.
Where's Daryl Dixon?
You know what, I'm not even going to bother with these. Moving on.
● Yes, I'm contemplating what my life would be like with a semi transparent mountain man.
● Apparently the wolf is also into cross breeding, by the moonlight, on a rooftop paddling pool, being watched by a creepy transparent giant.
● Cries In The Night? I suspect because he has third degree burns.
● Apparently the wolf is also into cross breeding, by the moonlight, on a rooftop paddling pool, being watched by a creepy transparent giant.
● Cries In The Night? I suspect because he has third degree burns.
What the Effing Eff?
Zombie, Vengeance and Digitus 233. I... I just can't.
● I'm all for breaking out the coloured pencils, but not for the sake of a book cover. It's lovely that you were able to involve your children though.
● A prime piece of real estate. Ocean front views. Secluded and privacy from your nearest neighbour. Free Wilson Volleyball included.
Designer of The Year
On my travels, I've seen a hell of a lot of dodgy covers, but I've narrowed it down to three.
● Rush Revere seems to be the author himself, stuck onto a cartoon body. I'm all for self promotion and children learning about stuff... But come on.
● Mark of the Mage is one of those most frightening covers I've seen. A repeat offender, the author also owns the cover with the giant thumb, or nose. Whichever way you want to look at it.
● Is Wolf of The Stone one of those literal covers that has a significant meaning to the storyline? In that case, what the hell is that woman doing in the background dressed in a red sheet?
Now it's your turn. Hit me up with your dodgy covers in the comments section.
OMG. OMG. OMG. LAUGHING SO EFFING HARD. You are awesome!
ReplyDeleteThanks Joy. I'm thinking we might need a part two, after receiving a few submissions for dodgy covers. I'm thinking a call out might be in order.
DeleteThose trying hard covers, OMG! These are hilarious!
ReplyDelete~ Dre @ Sporadic Reads
Some of them aren't too bad compared to some of the horrid ones I've seen, but I'm dumbfounded as to how to make sense of them. An eye setting over a mountain? Is that supposed to be God or the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk?
DeleteACK! These are all so terrible XD
ReplyDeleteThey aren't the worse of them either Roseanna, but I was too reluctant to put up ones that might incite a riot. But we'll definitely have a part two with reader submissions.
DeleteLaughing SO MUCH!!! What the Effing Eff? was the best one followed by Celaena's Let Herself Go...someone needs to notify Sarah J. Maas!
ReplyDeleteOh no, please don't. She'll probably trot in with a sword, shouting big words.
DeleteYikes! Some of those are so bad! On goodreads, our nose cover has some good reviews. Now who is going to volunteer to read some of these??
ReplyDeleteI've read one. Ignite Me. As for the others, I actually picked up a few that sounded okay and thinking of conducting a little bad cover / good book experiment next year.
DeleteFingers crossed I make it out alive.
Eeep! Some of the covers are pretty decent to be honest, but a LOT of them are really creepy and make me cringe. Oh, and I've seen some of those free on Amazon - I run away without even reading the synopsis. LOL.
ReplyDeleteThe ones that are actually pretty good, seem a little on the ridiculous side to me, especially the one with the guy in the medieval lane way serving salad. I have a feeling that's more so when stock images aren't quite right for the storyline, but close enough.
DeleteJust saying, I'd totally read a book about a daredevil midget in a bikini who murders grandmothers. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that's what some of these books were about.
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard. Oh my goodness. 11/10.
I totally would too. In fact, seeing you're the budding author young Emily, you need to make this happen. There you go, your story for next years NaNoWiMo. Is that right? I can never remember what it's called.
DeleteHahahahahaha I've been looking forward to this post since you mentioned in your last 'Of 2014' post and you didn't disappoint :-) Loved It.
ReplyDelete(I'd hate to think what you'd think of my poetry ebook covers LOL).
I actually just snuck look Sarah, and they really aren't too bad at all. Going to check them out.
DeleteI'm going to have nightmares from that snatchers cover :-/
ReplyDeleteI know right. My goodness, sometimes there really ARE no words.
DeleteWow! This post is hilarious! How did you even find all these covers... I didn't actually know that there were that many terrible ones out there. Ugh, bad covers make me not want to read the book even though some of these might actually be really good. Thanks for such a great post that made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteSome of them popped up on Goodreads recommendations and the others just randomly trolling Amazon when I was looking to pick up a few reads. I think you need to find the book cover aesthetically pleasing in some form to want to pick it up in the first place, I've actually purchased a couple that sound okay. Fingers crossed I can get through them.
DeleteDaredevil midget in a bikini that murders grandmothers! Hahaha! oh my God - that's hilarious. It'd probably make for an interesting story as well, to be honest.
ReplyDeleteI just don't understand how some publishers ad designers to go so wrong...oh my good lord...these are all horrid and hilarious at the same time...the longer I seem to look at them, the worst they get! Thanks for sharing, Kelly. :)
Some of them start to singe your eyeballs after a while don't they. I may be assuming, but I think most of these look to be self designed. Indie covers can still be pretty good, but sometimes less really is more, and if you can't do it yourself, it's probably worth investing in some help.
DeleteHA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!! OMG I'M ACTUALLY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER!!!!! OMG THIS IS SOOO FUNNY KELLY!!!! You're right about some, ugh they look so...half-hearted!
ReplyDeleteBUT THE COMMENTARY HAS GOT TO BE THE BEST THING I'VE SEEN ALL DAY!!! :D
Thanks for making me laugh my head off!
Aww thanks Renee. I think the covers themselves have done my work for me.
DeleteOh, good lord jesus in a manger. These covers are so bad they're hilarious! I'm seriously in stitches here while I attempt to cover my eyes from the absolute monstrosities! How did you even find these covers, Kelly? I would have gone mad!
ReplyDeleteAnd no, those nanna undies are NOT sexy at all! NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Faye at The Social Potato
Come on Faye, they totally are. He's sex on legs.
DeleteBetween Goodreads and Amazon actually. I'm actually going to read some of these and then give a final verdict. Wish me luck!
TEARS. ACTUAL TEARS.
ReplyDeleteThe cover for Ilona Andrews' Burn for Me was pretty terrible, and that was a reputable publishing house. I also really hate the cover of the book I'm reading at the moment, Kissed by Darkness. Thankfully I'm reading it on Kindle so I don't have to see the cover outside of Goodreads!!
Oh gosh, I just Googled. My eyes. MY EYES! That Kissed by darkness cover, is that a real woman or a computer created thing? The bad wig throws me off.
DeleteThank goodness for my Kindle too, then others are subjected to see these covers as well.
BAHAHA - Kelly, you are hilarious! ;) Your captions for each of these covers and the categories are spot on. <3 And I hate to say it, but some of these are so bad it's almost funny. Thanks for sharing, and wonderful post! ♥
ReplyDeleteOr some are cringe worthy to say the least. Thanks Zoe, but it was the covers that did all the work. Or lack thereof.
DeleteMy eyes! My poor eyes!
ReplyDeleteAlso, what are you talking about? What a Lady Demands is such a sexy cover.
*cackles at hilarity*
It totally is! Makes me all hot and bothered just thinking about it. If only I could get the husband into wearing sexy tighty whiteys. Damn.
DeleteOh man that is so bad SO BAD. *covers eyes* That hogwarts photobomb though....
ReplyDeleteIt's like an eclipse. Take a peek but look away quickly before you burn your retinas.
DeleteI THINK I DIED A LITTLE. That one called Vengance at the end? I'm pretty sure those are sim characters right?!
ReplyDeleteBUT SERIOUSLY YOU ARE SO FUNNY KELLY I'M JUST GOING TO BE ROLLING ON THE GROUND LAUGHING. These covers sure do put the "awe" in awful. I...I can't even imagine how they could be free in the wild. o.O
I think so. Or something pretty similar. Clearly a man's work with the ample sized breasts. Honestly, if we had boobs that size none of us could walk around upright.
DeleteOMFG I think I need to scrub my eyes. Where did you even FIND most of these covers? lease don't tell me you've read all these books Kelly :P
ReplyDeleteP.S. Throne of Glass hasn't finished yet. 3 more books to go woopwoop!
Three more? I thought that was a new series she was bringing out?
DeleteAll on Goodreads or Amazon mostly. And no, but I did purchase a few to try out. I'm going to conduct a little experiment next year and see if we really can judge a book by its cover.
Wish me luck, I'll bloody need it.
HERE IT IS. THE LONG AWAITED POST. You should do stand up, Kelly! YOU REALLY SHOULD. YOU'RE AMAZING, ALRIGHT.
ReplyDelete"Nothing like a hot man in tighty whitey nanna undies." I LAUGHED SO MUCH, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. What was with that cover. HOLY. I can't even. How did you take anything seriously when you were compiling these!
I must say, honorary shoutout to Frostbitten by Heather Beck. I can't even with that one.
That cover Jess, gosh I wish I hadn't Googled it now. That's definitely made the cut for part two. Oh no, the selection was deadly serious. No laughing matter. I'm like the current affair of bad book covers. Next I plan to hunt the authors down and make them take responsibility for their design crimes.
DeleteOr... I can just wait until the find me. Which should be pretty soon I'm guessing...
Oh my gosh. This. Is. Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteYou know, the quality of some of these covers really does shock me! Especially Ignite Me. Who on earth thought that was a good idea for a cover!?
The US covers for the series are spectacular though, it would have been nice to see them worldwide. I love the series, I mean WARNER! But if I hadn't heard of it before, I could safely say that there's no way it would have caught my attention with that cover.
DeleteOh gosh, this post had me crying with laughter! THIS IS HILARIOUS!! The zombie ones had got me good!
ReplyDeleteNaomi @The Perks Of Being A Bookworm
They're terrible aren't they. The other covers are professional in comparison really.
DeleteI iz dead.
ReplyDeleteBah Bah.
At first I thought you had photoshopped these covers yourself to amuse us so I was a tad surprised to find out they are actual real life covers. I seriously cannot even. HOW DO PEOPLE COME UP WITH THESE COVERS?
Like that cover with the house that is floating on top of a body of water? Someone needs to go back to school and learn about how that would not float on water. Wood does, so points to them but... an entire house? Not so much.
Digitus has me a little freaked out. That eye looks weird.
Also, Kelly, didn't you know? Evergreens grow in salty water. They don't need land. :P
Thanks for sharing <33
Rashika @ The Social Potato
You're totally right Rashika, that's the magic of Christmas too. Festive trees grow anywhere! I can't take credit for any of these, thankfully. I don't know. is it a case of you know when you were five, and you drew and picture and it was clearly the best picture in the world?
DeleteI'm thinking this might be the case here... Or they've actually been designed by five year olds. The jury's still out.
Oh my gosh. This post CRACKED ME UP. It just goes to show, for every stunning cover out there, unfortunately about five more terrible ones make their way into the bookish world. Some of these are just plain weeeeeird. I guess when it comes down to it, if you see a book at a shop or online with a terrible cover, it's not exactly going to scream 'buy me'. Although we shouldn't fully judge books by their covers, with these it's pretty hard not to! Thanks for sharing, this post definitely gave me a good laugh :)
ReplyDeleteExactly. I'm more likely to pick up a book that has a decent and well designed cover. Which is a shame, because some of the bad cover titles might be really good, but they sadly don't call to you when browsing.
DeleteI swear, my face looks like I'm constipating while looking at those covers. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING? Seriously. For a reader who really cares about the book cover of a book, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
ReplyDeleteOh no, no constipated faces Paula. If you're not careful, they might take inspiration for their next cover!
DeleteEW EW EW... What is wrong with these covers? TAKE THEM AWAY!!!!
ReplyDeleteForces Lily to look at the all. Maybe the US government could use it as a new torture technique.
DeleteWow! I was not expecting an Ignite Me cover to look quite like that. If this were in bookstores where I live, I probably would not have bothered to pick up this book. It looks like a cover you would find on a self-published novel.
ReplyDeleteIt really does doesn't it. The US covers are really lovely, it's a shame our editions aren't nearly as nice. I love that series though. It's such a shame.
DeleteI CANNOT STOP LAUGHING OR HICCUPING KELLY WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME. I would love to comment on my favorites, but I have too many from your list and just THEY ARE ALL HILARIOUS.
ReplyDeleteThanks poppet. The covers really sell themselves don't they.
DeleteAny compulsion to read any?
NOPE NONE AT ALL. Really though. Which is probably a bad thing but I need beautiful covers. Not ....this
DeleteI'm looking at this and I'm just dying inside, like, how do people even find covers this terrible? I'm cringing at the "What the Effing Eff" category, but the biggest letdown has to be that Ignite Me cover. I mean, REALLY? That's the best that you can do?
ReplyDeleteAnd Tempest looks like the story of a zombie girl, who's the unsuspecting victim of a lost sandstorm.
'And Tempest looks like the story of a zombie girl, who's the unsuspecting victim of a lost sandstorm.'
DeleteOh good lord, I burst into laughter then. Shannelle you need to post some as well, or do my next post. Absolutely hilarious!
HAHAHAHA OMG KELLY YOU HAVE ME IN STITCHES! I have tears coming out of my eyes! YOU ARE SO FUNNY! And then we reached the zombies and I was just BWAHAHA! Oh my god so good! You should do more of these my friend you clearly have a talent for it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jeann. I have a part two in the works for the new year actually. Believe it or not, these weren't actually the worse ones that I found.
DeleteFrighting thought.
Wow. They are truly, spectacularly awful. My eyes died a little. That dancing one in the denim? Yep, that's the one that takes the cake. Except it doesn't deserve cake. I deserve cake for having to look at that horrendous crime against humanity.
ReplyDeleteAlso, WTF is with the floating devil babies in the Christmas book? Creepy shit man.
This made me laugh so much. Immediately sharing.
ReplyDeleteMy whole family are sleeping but omg, this was hilarious and I'm still laughing out loud. Literally, these a the best of the dodgy.
ReplyDeleteOMFG!!! "What the effing eff" takes the prize for WORST covers! OH GOD. These are all awful. I am cringing so hard at the zombie ones... AHAHAH I mean I know that covers are expensive but DANG. I'd rather spend some money there than having the word cover in history.
ReplyDelete