The Bookish Best Of... Romance Wankers

It may have begun with Travis Maddox, but 2014 seen yet another explosion of book wankers. You know the type, he's a womaniser who has had more women than hot dinners. He treats them like crap most of the time, except when he wants to satisfy himself and gravitates towards the nearest warm body. She's often meek and naive. Girl, no one will buy the cow when you're giving away the milk for free. So this week it's all about wankers of romance and their wenches.

Totes Awks... Avoid Eye Contact



Who enjoys being stalked? And no, it's not Kathleen Hale in a dragon costume. He may be the hot token bad boy in Talon, but Riley seems to appear without warning, always watching. The other male protagonist isn't all that better. Garret is trying to discover who you are and whether he needs to kill you or not. If these are your choice of romantic love interest, might be time to swing the other way.
Every time Nolan closes his eyes, he's transported into her world and can see everything Amara does. Showering, on the toilet, even having sex. If you enjoy your privacy, Otherbound isn't the book for you. Not only can he see through her eyes, but learns to control her body as well. at least he isn't Christian Grey, that could have been a whole new level of awkward.
Not sure if Stockholm Syndrome is the bases for a stable relationship, but Britt in Black Ice certainly thinks so. Mason has taken her hostage, and she's torn between her former boyfriend who doesn't want her, and making googly heart eyes at her captor. Decisions decisions.

He Only Wants To Tap That



He already has a girlfriend, but that didn't stop Ridge from wanting a piece of fluff on the side and Maybe Someday crosses the line of adultery. No matter how much we love Colleen Hoover, I'm hoping she doesn't set sail down that seedy new adult road.
Well, guess I spoke too soon. Ugly Love was a sex filled romp. The main character is broken and the typical womansier that we find in most new adult. It's a casual lust until he sorts out his issues, but another one that is based on a sexual relationship. Why Ms Hoover, why!
I loved The Edge of Never, but the Song of The Fireflies was little more than kinky voyeur sex, sex addiction, threesomes and violent sex. It wasn't just the main protagonists, but they also found another group of depraved people to get it on with. Wanker characters, the lot of 'em.

Run NOW and Don't Look Back



If you enjoy complete nutcases, then Breaking Butterflies will be totally up your ally. She's a doormat and he's not mentally ill, but more so insane... And quite handy with a knife. This book isn't for the faint of heart. It's bad. Really bad.
So what happens when you're finally on the social scene? Why, get drunk and marvel at the delight of unprotected sex. Anything to Have You is the parents guide on how to raise an idiotic irresponsible teen. This girl is morally nasty. Kids, don't try this at home.
I must admit, I haven't read Beautiful Oblivion, but he's a Maddox isn't he? Pretty much self explanatory.

Who have been your romance tools and wankers of 2014?

Next week? Book releases of 2014... That never were.

25 comments

  1. Ughhhh. Please don't remind me of Song of the Fireflies. What a horrid storyline. Anyway, this post is awesome. It helps me weed out my TBR, for sure.

    <3

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    1. It was terrible wasn't it. I enjoyed The Edge of Never, but that one only confirmed for me how much I loathe new adult sadly.

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  2. Oh my gosh...this is a HILARIOUS series! XD The headings though...wow. :D

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    1. I tried to keep it kiddie friendly, but some of these books are too horrid for words. I was pretty tame I thought. Some like Talon are actually pretty good, even with the questionable characters.

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  3. I don't think I've read any books with romance wankers this year...glad to see that I only have Talon, Maybe Someday and Ugly Love on my TBR out of this selection...definitely steering clear of the others you mentioned today, Kelly - thanks for sharing. :)

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    1. As much as I love Colleen Hoover, those two are pretty standard new adult actually, the only redeeming quality is the tear jerker, heartbreaking storyline twists. Talon is pretty entertaining, but not nearly enough dragon in there. But it hints at an epically dragon filled second book in the series. Hooray!

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  4. I LOVE YOU KELLY, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT OK. ROMANCE WANKERS! THIS IS BRILLIANT. There's nothing I love more than that cow metaphor. I use it about once a week. Everyone I know hates me for it haha

    I know the perfect candidate for romance wanker--Kai from the Sweet Trilogy. Oh lord above, save me. There's no way I'm ever reading book 2 and 3. Not with the characterisation and the naivety of the protagonist. No way.

    Hilarious post, Kelly! You always know how to get a smile on my face ;) <3 x


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    1. I started that series before I ventured out into the big book world, so I actually found it entertaining. But couldn't agree more, he's a complete toss pot and she's just his lap dog waiting to be thrown a bone.

      We need more cow metaphors. That saying could work with just about any animal really. No one is going to buy the pig where you're giving out the bacon for free.

      I suspect the vegetarians to come knocking down my door soon.

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  5. I hated Travis Maddox. URHG. His behaviour was terrible and his nickname for what's her name was Pigeon. PIGEON. In my review, I said that if anyone nicknamed me that, they'd get a pie thrown in their face. That was me putting it nicely...

    Look forward to next weeks post!

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    1. You're much more tame than I am Rebecca, a swift kick to the nuts should be in order if the dear husband called me that. He's such a horrible character, violent, possessive and it worries me that so many readers have called him a book boyfriend and swooned over him. Honestly, I wouldn't touch him with some elses hands.

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  6. "Who enjoys being stalked? And no, it's not Kathleen Hale in a dragon costume." OH MY GOSH THIS HAD LAUGHING LIKE MANIAC. Seriously though, this entire post had me in stitches. xD Okay, okay, so I haven't actually *read* most of these books, but did read Beautiful Diaster a couple of weeks ago . . . and oh my gosh, I still don't understand how the main character found the love interest attractive? HE WAS AWFUL. And, like the comment above me mentions, Pigeon? PIGEON?! I still don't even know where that came from. O.o

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    1. I'm assuming she either coos, or has very thin legs and a well stuffed body. Bit like Big Bird, but a miniature version. As a supposed romantic lead, he's such a tool. Have a small tiff, and he'll throw his toys out the pram.

      Authors, readers want men not poor excuses for them.

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  7. Romance wankers - that's absolutely perfect. I'm also staying faaar away from Beautiful anything, because Travis Maddox will surely give me a fierce case of the heebiedabajeebies. I don't know about 2014 releases, but since my co-blogger made me read Fifty Shades this year, I have to add Christian Grey. Now there's a douche-canoe if you've ever seen one!

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    1. A douche canoe. Love it!

      I've never read Fifty Shades, but have seen the reviews and I don't get the hype. He just seems like a kinky freak that is all about dominating women. I always wonder if we're in the minority, because more and more book wankers seem to be popping up so clearly there's an audience.

      Are we just immune to them?

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  8. I've been lucky this year, and haven't come across any romance wankers. To be honest, I haven't read most of the books you have mentioned so I'll have to make sure to remember this post when I decide to read any of the above. The only book on my TBR is Talon and I'm surprised it goes so, but meh. AND, as always, love the headings! They never fail to make me giggle. :') Thank you for the hilarious, helpful post, Kelly!

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    1. Aww, thanks Naban.

      Talon is actually pretty entertaining, regardless of the stalkerish characters. There's two of them actually. Black Ice is an interesting one. It's borderline Stockholm Syndrome, but not in the same vain that Stolen by Lucy Christopher was. It's not too bad at all.

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  9. Oh don't worry, you're not missing out. In fact, I've never suffered so much in my life. Maybe we're immune to them, but to be honest, I prefer it this way. The way Christian treats Ana and Travis treats Whatsherface, it's horrendous. If a guy tries to treat me that way, they'll end up with a foot up their ass, Red Forman style.

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    1. Red Forman! I miss that show. I loved Kitty, she was hilarious even when sober.

      I can't imagine I'd be reading it any time soon if ever. It's not that it's erotic, but I can fathom how so many women swoon over such a wanker character. Have you reviewed it? Would love to see it.

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  10. Absolutely Hilarious! I love reading your snappy humorous take on books :-) You had me giggling over my morning coffee :-)

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    1. Thanks Sarah. You should do one too. Just a bookish list for the incredible awesome, or super crappy books of 2014. I'd love to see what you come up with.

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  11. SO I love this post so much. THOSE TITLE THO! Haha.

    I don't know what happened to Ugly Love. Hoover's love interests usually makes me swoon but Miles really just frustrated me and made me the male species. Even Ridge! What a asshjgfubtwuftqwy. Frustrating is the right word.

    And as long as it's a Maddox? You should really run away and don't look back =)) GREAT POST KELLY!

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    1. Me too Paula. I loved the Slammed series, Hopeless and Losing Hope but although they're well written, it seems pretty mediocre for Colleen Hoover. She's so much more than bland and typical new adult.

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  12. HAHAHAH oh Kelly you are the greatest! This is SO funny. Oh man, I actually really liked those two Colleen Hoover books, even though in Maybe Someday it was literally cheating. I was impressed with how she was able to explore sexual relationships more openly though.

    I think the men in Talon are just great replacements for Edward Cullen, because you know that's what everyone needs.

    Fantastic article Kelly!

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    1. I liked them, but prefer her cleaner releases. Those two felt as though they were foremost driven by sexual situations, storyline second.

      It's sad and Edward Cullen shouldn't even be a thing now. Pasty boys were so five years ago.

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  13. That '70s Show will always be my favourite show.

    Oh, I've revied it, alright. I'm currently plowing my way through the last one. Here are the reviews for one and two:
    http://bookshelfreflections.com/review-fifty-shades-of-grey-by-e-l-james/
    http://bookshelfreflections.com/review-fifty-shades-darker-by-e-l-james/

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